From the Desk of…
“Large amount of meat dumped on Ohio road.” Don’t you love a headline that gets right to the point?
We all know it. Kids these days are always on their phones. Well, maybe not for long! A new law signed by Governor Mike DeWine will require schools to develop “cellphone policies” for students, rather than the current patchwork of classroom-by-classroom determinations. Now, it’s possible that administrations just write down something like “teachers can decide,” but I’ve met one or two administrators in my day. Couple that with the president of the Ohio Education Association saying things like this:
I hear from teachers across the state all of the time, how frustrated they are, with the way cell phones distract from learning and other ways cell phones take away from positive socialization. I think it’s important that all schools get serious about cell phone use.
And that to me reads like it’s au revoir, Kahoot!
Shocking perhaps the naive newborn fawns who have never looked into Ohio state politics, the Republican supermajority has spiked the ball on getting Joseph R. Biden, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee (hey, anything’s possible), onto the November ballot. “There’s just not the will to do that from the legislature,” says Ohio House Speaker Jason Stephens. Everyone from Stephens to DeWine to Senate President Matt Huffman keep insisting that Biden will totally be on the ballot in November… and also that it’s not their responsibility to make sure that it happens. I’m not holding my breath, frankly.
I mean, how can the legislature pass stuff when the odious Niraj Antani has just stopped coming to work? What I wouldn’t give for a cushy sinecure position that I could just not do my job and be fine. Hey, Niraj! Maybe there’s a reason you got redistricted out by your own party!
Here’s a plug for something read over lunch or dinner or whatever meal you read during: Andy Downing (Matter News) and Joel Oliphint (Columbus Monthly) teamed up for an article on some good old-fashioned homegrown white supremacist domestic terror plotting. You know, the stuff that the kids are into these days. Of course, reading how it all came together is brilliant, but you won’t want to miss the chilling ending!
Alright. So, let’s talk about it. You may have seen some hay being made yesterday about Brandon Simmons, the 23-year-old wunderkind and Columbus City Schools graduate taking a place on the school board to help fix the system he went through. Endorsed by both district unions and blessed by the county Democratic Party, he coasted through to an easy November win and took his seat at the top of the year. How’s that going? Well…
It seems that Brandon is being made responsible for a document leaked to the union and to the public that details some very… very crude if not illegal methods by which the school board can fight the union and get its way for local stakeholders in the CEO class, you know, the Columbus Partnership that runs the town. Here’s what the Columbus Education Association pulled out of the document to highlight:
“Drive a wedge” between certified and classified Board employees with “racial dynamics”
Hide all “bad or less than positive” news from the public and “move all negative agenda items to the next meeting”
“Change the location last minute” of Board meetings and “Interrupt” speakers, “don’t allow them to use the space”
“Bring in loud mechanical equipment if they hold a press conference on our land”
“Reward good media outlets” with “priority seating or camera location” and “priority interviews”, “others can wait”
Smear critics of the task force, including the Board’s own employees who are members of the Columbus Education Association as “dangerous” and smear the CEA president as “unreasonable”
Hold a press conference specifically in the classroom of a Union Representative
“Rearrange the speaking order” of Board meetings to make sure that task force critics “listen to and respect the Board”
Now, Brandon got put in the hot seat last night and… well, I don’t think he did well. “I want to emphasize how sorry we are that this document has been seen by folks” is such a perfect Columbus politics line that it will be etched in my memory forever. Brandon claims that Board Member Jennifer Adair shared the document with Board Member Sarah Ingles (notably the only school board candidate to make the Meowlot last November!) who chose to share it with “other folks.” Board President Christina Vera (Meowlot Class of ‘21) has put full responsibility for the document on Brandon’s shoulders, claiming it was created independently of the board and does not reflect the board’s position. Folks, it’s bad enough that Councilman Rob Dorans called for Brandon to resign.
So, I want to get ahead of this before one of the Cool Factses leaks it. Yes, the Meow Institute has been circulating a similar document in relation to our struggle with the Meow Institute Association. Lately, it has seemed like they are more concerned with their own safety than with making advances in the field of science. As such, here is the Meow Institute’s “Taking Control of the Meowsk Force Narrative” document from our May 10th meeting (PDF warning!).
The Brain Dump
if I ever needed to carry a bomb somewhere, I would hide it in a paper bag with a baguette and some carrots sticking out of the top because everyone would just be like "hey, groceries"
this is bs. i've collected these funko pops from all over the wasteland and not a single one has increased my stats
i don't recycle because i'm so good at reducing and reusing
maybe I should have a movies podcast
The Devil Works Hard But My A/C Works Harder
At the Movies
Some winners and losers at the theaters this week! I’m checking out Furiosa on Friday, so stay tuned for that.
Galaxy Quest (1999), dir. Dean Parisot ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
Perfect movie. Everyone is perfect. No notes. Every actor is the best part. So much of this is ingrained in my speech patterns. Not just the obvious stuff like "rudimentary lathe." So many smaller lines too. Tony Shaloub's "that was a helluva thing." Sam Rockwell's "you don't know." Tim Allen's "I'm gonna just shut my eyes for a bit." What a masterclass the Thermians put on in being aliens. Perfect movie.
Challengers (2024), dir. Luca Guadagnino ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
The audio design really made me feel like I was watching tennis! More movies should punctuate character dialogue with electro-industrial drops! Loved to hear Trent and Atticus go back to their roots, pull together some stuff that sounds like Fad Gadget , maybe a little Skinny Puppy .
Oh, the movie was good too. Sat a bit too close to the screen so every close-up had a bit of a Potion Seller vibe.
One from the Heart (1981), dir. Francis Ford Coppola ⭐⭐⭐
Visual panache can't salvage this one. I'd have been mad as hell if I were a producer. Just... boring. Raúl Juliá is God's perfect man.
One Picture
whomst would like to buy me a shrekzel
In closing,
I don’t have anything to say in closing this week. I spent all my typing energy on that document. Don’t be a union buster, I guess?
Until next time, get some shut-eye. You need it, even if you think you don’t.