From the Desk of…
Longtime subscribers may remember my breaking news coverage of the first new Monster Cereal in decades, the addition of Carmella Creeper to the lineup. Well, folks, it pays to have big ears and a big mouth, because I’ve got a bowl of it right in front of me. First, let us cover the Monster Cereals so you can get a sense of how I’m ranking it. In 1971, General Mills introduced the first two Monster Cereals, those being Count Chocula and Franken Berry. The concept was simple enough: flavored versions of the Lucky Charms staple already introduced last decade and already popular. Count Chocula, choculate… Franken Berry, strawnkenberry… makes sense, right? It wasn’t perfect from the jump. Formulations of the pigments, particularly in early Franken Berry, led to alarming stool discolorations in kids. They fixed it, but that did ding the brand early. Moms generally don’t like it when their cereal gives the appearance of internal bleeding in children. That’s why Meow Mills Meow-Os guarantee any appearance of internal bleeding will be corrected by providing actual physical harm to provide that peace of mind. The next year, they released Boo Berry, a blooberry cereal, and that really creates the core three that people know about. They’d have all sorts of adventures, and if you sent away your boxtops or what-have-you, you would get records of them going to Hollywood or space. It was a different time, the ‘70s. Kids were hungry for cereals whose mascots sounded like Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, and Peter Lorre.
We move then onto the lesser monsters, Frute Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy. These cereals have come and gone and come and gone. They don’t have the same staying power, and General Mills has never quite decided on a formula. Frute Brute started as lime-flavored, but it was resurrected in the lab as cherry; Fruity Yummy Mummy went from vanilla to a sort of orange dreamsicle. Both were brought back in 2021 for the 50th anniversary celebration, and both are at least nominally present in the Monster Mash box that puts all the flavors together.
Now, if you know me, and if you’re reading this, you probably do, you know that I have long had strong opinions about the Monster Cereals. I think General Mills has made an error in making them seasonal, and I think it continues to error in not making all of them fully available. It’s cowardly to shelve Reese’s Puffs - candy for breakfast - year-round but not the Monster Cereals. And they should bring back the prizes! When I eat something, I should win stuff for eating it. Cowards.
So, how do I like the Monster Cereals? Well, one post, which I’ll reprint in full here, lets you know exactly: “during breakfast in high school i would sit and stare at the visage of my most hated enemy and curse his name. go to hell, count chocula” and that’s the same way I feel today. Vampires have long been my enemy, probably my greatest enemy, beating out reanimated skeletons. I had garlic on my windowsill all through elementary school and into high school. I seldom invite people into my home. I refuse to put out a traditional welcome mat because vampires are not welcome in my house. I have mirrors in key strategic locations in case I need to check. I have had several dreams about vampire assaults on my homes vis-à-vis the end of The Lost Boys and I either win or identify a strategic weakness for future correction. Routinely as a child I had to be told that “vampire hunter” was not a real job.
Anyway, Count Chocula is my favorite cereal because it’s like Lucky Charms but chocolate. Franken Berry is second place, then like a big power gap, then the revived Frute Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy, then Boo Berry. I do not like Boo Berry. I don’t like his little hat, and I don’t like the fake blueberry flavor. So how does the new one stack up? Well, the color is great, albeit somewhat reminiscent of pea soup. The nose is curiously caramel, but I didn’t really get that in the cereal itself. The taste… yeah, I suppose, green apple, sure. I probably would’ve appreciated a more caramel-forward formulation if that’s what they wanted, but it was fine. I’d probably put it in with the Frute Brute and Yummy Mummys as is. It’s nice to see that women can do it too (be monsters and also DJ shows). I would buy it over Boo Berry, but this is likely to be my last box for the year. Maybe it’ll grow on me as I eat the rest of it! You’ll know if it does. I’m Senator Meow, and this has been Senator Meow Food Reviews. Thanks for reading.
You’re… still here? Oh my God, I’ve been typing for like an hour and haven’t even looked at the headlines on my desk. I’ve just been… eating cereal?? Oh my God.
The ballot board is attempting to confuse November voters with a misleading “summary” of the amendment. Not to worry, there’s a lawsuit. They’re using your tax dollars to build the biggest Pins in the world in Franklinton. Here’s a great piece about the Near East Side project and why it sucks.
Now, I know we have fun here in the Senator’s Selects, but I want to break the tone here and pivot. Those of you who regularly engage with my feeds often see the cruel barbarities of life and news items sprinkled in among the jokes and japes, and in reviewing, this is a very abrupt shift in tone when experienced in text. While I think that works in a stream of consciousness way on Twitter or Instagram, I wanted to call out the shift here because it was very jarring to me on the second pass. So, be serious for a moment.
Blendon Township police publicly executed 21-year-old Ta’Kiya Young, a pregnant mother of two, in a Kroger parking lot on Thursday. The fact that neither they nor Kroger have released any footage from the incident - not that anything released would be exculpatory when we are looking at the extrajudicial murder by the state of a young Black woman pursuant to unproven allegations - doesn’t bode well for the bootlickers being able to spin it. Doesn’t meant they aren’t trying though. I’ll keep updating folks about events and vigils through the more timely social channels.
The Brain Dump
bad time to announce it but i am also 6'3 and 215 pounds
i'm still not happy with "Meowldur's Gate 3" but the get rate on like a "Xanathar Meow" would be near zero
doctors in 2012 were like 'i mustache you a question... how long have you been living with this pain? your biopsy results are in. i'm sorry, but the prognosis isn't good'
thinking about when my friend got a package in the post and opened it, saw it was Amazon from his mom and was the full DVD set of Blackadder, which he damaged the case excitedly opening, only to then get a call saying it was for his dad and she was keeping it secret
[getting bitten by a poisonous snake] this is fine actually. it's the venomous ones you need to look out for. [it wraps around my torso and starts constricting]
Between work and games, my brain has been mush, and not in the way that makes funny things.
At the Movies
I dunno why I got so caught up in teen drama this weekend.
Rebel Without a Cause (1955), dir. Nicholas Ray ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, John. A rebel. So long, Plato.
The Switchblade Sisters (1975) dir. Jack Hill ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Wasn't quite bad enough or good enough for five, but Patch is one of the all-time great Iago types, orchestrating the downfall of like 2.5 gangs for a personal vendetta. Or maybe Starscream. Littlefinger. I dunno what your reference pool is. Saw Don Stark pop up in the credits and thought "surely not that Don Stark" but no, there's Donna's dad as a knockoff Sweathog. People still know the Sweathogs, right? Shout-out not only to the all-girl militant Black Maoists who had taken over an abandoned police station and were ready and willing to gun down capitalist gangs in an act of multiracial feminist gang solidarity as well as the dudes in the theater who would snap politely whenever they made good points. Tak Fujimoto on camera!
The Warriors (1979), dir. Walter Hill ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
As long as I live, I will never forget the Halloween party I was at where three dudes showed up as the Baseball Furies. Everyone knew exactly who they were, and they absolutely nailed it. Anyway, this movie bangs. I should've made the effort to see it on 35mm a few weeks ago.
I should probably try to see a movie that was released within the last forty years sometime soon, yeah? Also, just remembered I had a dream last night where I was in a class being taught by Orson Welles and then Nick Ray showed up.
One Picture
In closing,
The above image is more important than anything I can say here. That GoFundMe URL is linked here. Until next time, support your community.
My reference pool is Starscream.