From the Desk of…
When did it start being light out this late? Anyone else noticing this?
Local human rights activist Liz Andromeda got some press recently for being targeted by the city with criminal charges, which she claims is a result of her being part of a federal civil rights lawsuit over police brutality from 2020. You know, remember when the police were out there macing our local officials and congresswomen? Liz, in perfect Liz fashion, dropped one of my favorite quotes in recent memory, explaining why she declined a plea deal that would result in a fine or community service:
I have no money to pay a fine and no physical ability to do community service because of my declining health. I'm also not guilty.
Liz always tells it like it is. The city attorney has vowed to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. As always, anyone with feedback can call Columbus City Attorney Zach Klein’s office at 614-645-7385 or email cityattorney@columbus.gov. Barring something seismic, Liz’s trial will start next week.
Pivoting here, and you can probably see the throughline if you squint, one Columbus police officer got fired last week for pushing a teenager’s face into a concrete walkway and then otherwise assaulting the restrained 14-year-old the arrest, and a second Columbus police officer got fired for having “excessive” sex acts at Kroger while on duty. Despite my records requests and emails to Chief Bryant, I have yet to uncover where the line is to become excessive. Some might say that the appropriate amount of sex acts for a cop to have at Kroger while on duty is zero, but maybe they have a policy about it. Maybe it’s more like… three? This, just after Kroger has instituted a new policy of demanding you show your papers receipts to the armed goons officers at the exit to make sure you aren’t a criminal shoplifter violating the law. Mmm, almost makes you want to be party to a federal lawsuit!
Meanwhile, ten people were injured in a mass shooting Saturday night in, you guessed it, Columbus’s premier arts district, the Short North. Despite the area being flooded with cops, despite the cops having a fleet of helicopters at their disposal, despite Mayor Andy’s brilliant plan of closing the food trucks early, the police have turned to John Q. Public to see if he’s got any leads or bright ideas because they don’t have any idea where the shooter could’ve gone. The driver surrendered himself, and I hear they’re aiming to get a Ryan O’Neal-type to play him in the movie. I mean, he outran the cops in a Honda. That’s cinema. With his surrender, the police have made more progress in a short time than they’ve made on… the time last year when ten people were shot in the Short North and they never spoke of it again.
Man, that heat wave stunk. Thankful that’s over. Good thing we’ll never have to worry about the weather again!
They found bottles of preserved cherries buried underneath George Washington’s cellar. I am of course assembling a crack team of operatives to steal and then eat Washington’s cherries. Please contact me in the comments below for more. Serious inquiries only. I have only done this once before.
I’m not going to expand on this headline because it doesn’t need it: Ohio attorney suspended over pooping in a Pringles can has license reinstated
So, back on Valentine’s Day, I asked a very simple question: what did the governor know, and when did he know it? You can click back for a brief primer on the late Sam Randazzo where I posited such a query. Of course now, in the fullness of time, it seems as though the governor knew quite a bit. “Governor’s text sparked dark money payment,” one headline calls out. “New texts show FirstEnergy allegedly working with Gov. DeWine to pass House Bill 6” reads another. Let’s not put it all on Mike here either. After all, “new texts allegedly show Ohio Lt. Gov. Jon Husted leading FirstEnergy’s push for House Bill 6.” The governor, to his credit, “doesn’t remember” anything about these calls and texts. I think the Ohio Cap Journal op-ed said it best here: “phenomenally corrupt or insanely incompetent.” I’m never one to say I told you so, however.
That was kind of fun, cutting the headlines into the paragraph almost wholesale to build the narrative. Very Burroughs. Might have to try that again if he gets sentenced to federal prison or something.
The Brain Dump
when the governor does it, it's not illegal
Because of that curse, my end is nigh... Though your valiant efforts to break the curse were successful, I was doomed before you started... Yes, I will pass away soon... But do not grieve for me... I have been able to tell you of these important matters...
I want the Dube
we gotta shut down the food carts earlier
stonehenge truly is one of the most impressive henges left in our world
At the Movies
Oh, let’s do a double set of reviews since I missed a week. Won’t that be fun?
After Life (1998), dir. Hirokazu Kore-eda ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
WATCHING THIS TO PREGAME FOR BEETLEJUICE 2 BAYBEE!!! A STUNNING WORK COMPARABLE TO IKIRU IN ITS SEARCH FOR MEANING!! BEETLEJUICE 2 ONLY IN THEATERS THIS SEPTEMBER!!!!! LFG BEETLEJUICERS HONK HONK
I Saw the TV Glow (2024), dir. Jane Shoenbrun ⭐⭐⭐⭐
I'm really glad Jane got to make this, and I look forward to their next project. I respect the ending it went with, especially since I was expecting it to zig instead of zag. Nice soundtrack, and I appreciate the effort put into manipulating film to look appropriate to its time and broadcast means. Guess you really can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
Psycho (1960), dir. Alfred Hitchcock ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
She was fearless and crazier than him. She was his mother, and God help anyone who dared to disrespect his mother.
Theorem (1968), dir. Pier Paolo Pasolini ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
what if Saltburn were made by someone with thoughts in their head
Happiness (1998), dir. Todd Solondz ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
Sometimes, your freak should go unmatched.
The Innocents (1961), dir. Jack Clayton ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ❤️
they need to do way instain governess> who kill their babbys
One Picture
man in cowboy hat painting an oil painting of a waffle house from the waffle house parking lot. god bless america. sweet land of liberty. of thee i sing.
In closing,
I think, having now had a month to recuperate from a very labor-intensive bit, I’m going to start trying to do and schedule things again. If you would like to do or schedule something, consider contacting me. I’m starting to realize I have time again.
Until next time, rest up. July is liable to be a real doozy of a month.